The subject is depression and I used the emotion itself as the A. So here I have identified irrational beliefs leading to secondary upset, that is being depressed about being depressed, Then I challenged and changed those beliefs to more rational ones. I have had depression on and off for most of my life.

 I write about my own nutty thinking for several reasons. For one, none of us is perfect. As Albert Ellis was fond of saying, we are all “fallible, fucked-up, human beings”. That, alas, includes me. Secondly, I want to role model using these techniques. REBT isn’t something I just do with my clients. I practice it myself in my own life.

Practice, Practice, Practice. Then, practice some more. After that, keep practicing!

As always, comments, questions, suggestions, and inane remarks are welcome.

A friend, Leslie Basden, posted a question on Face Book:

“During meditation, I figured out that I still spend an unhealthy amount of time worrying about how others perceive me. Gotta get back to work on that. Jonathan von Breton, any tips?”

I gave her some quick tips:

1. Keep meditating.

2. Stop downing yourself for having any irrational belief such as “people must love and approve of me or else I’m a ****!” Bad enough you believe it, no sense in damning yourself for it too.

3. Appreciate the progress you have made. While this is still at what you consider an unhealthy and undesirable level, is it as unhealthy/undesirable a level at it used to be?

4. Continue the progress you’ve made so far. Challenge the idiotic notion that others love/approval = your self-worth. Does it really? Does disapproval/dislike/indifference by others magically turn you into a ****? Does their love and approval magically make you a saint?

5. Realize that love and approval by other, particularly those we love, has great advantages. It feels good. There’s nothing wrong with liking it. But it doesn’t make us worth anymore. The lack of it doesn’t make us worth any less.

Now, I’d like to expand on those tips.

1. Keep meditating.

Most, if not all, of our irrational beliefs are held so deeply that we aren’t aware of them consciously. We experience them by their negative effects on our emotions and actions. As Leslie said, these irrational thoughts can also surface in meditation.

Meditation is useful for a variety of reasons. It’s relaxing, It can be pleasant. It’s a good distraction. Meditation can help alleviate anger, anxiety, depression, and pain, at least remporarily. What’s more, like dreams, it we can allow some of our most basic beliefs and assumptions about the world surface. Not all of those beliefs are irrational.

2. Stop downing yourself for having any irrational belief such as “people must love and approve of me or else I’m a ****!” Bad enough you believe it, no sense in damning yourself for it too.

The irrational belief here causes secondary disturbances. That is, you upset yourself and make yourself angry, anxious, depressed, or all 3 about the fact you’re upset. These beliefs are:

“I shouldn’t have the irrational belief that people must love and approve of me or else I’m a ****!”

Where is the evidence you shouldn’t have irrational beliefs?

What proof is there that you mustn’t have this particular insane belief?

How do you feel when you insist you shouldn’t have a nutty belief that you obviously have?

3. Appreciate the progress you have made. While this is still at what you consider an unhealthy and undesirable level, is it as unhealthy/undesirable a level at it used to be?

Many of us, myself included, are quite talented at ignoring our progress and over-focusing on what we have yet to achieve. This is a philosophical and emotional black hole. We can pour endless amounts of energy into a goal and there will always be room for improvement.

So, I look for changes in:

Frequency: How often I do something.

Intensity: How strongly I do something.

Duration: How long I do something.

If I’m trying to eliminate a habit, I measure progress by decreases, a.k.a. harm reduction.

I measure progress by increases if I’m looking to start or improve a behavior,

4. Continue the progress you’ve made so far. Challenge the idiotic notion that others love/approval = your self-worth. Does it really? Does disapproval/dislike/indifference by others magically turn you into a ****? Does their love and approval magically make you a saint?

Dispute! Dispute! Dispute! These beliefs are firmly entrenched. They won’t go away just because you ask them to nicely, once. They’re as strong as they are because you trained yourself to believe them and practiced them tirelessly. No wonder you’re so good at them.

5. Realize that love and approval by others, particularly those we love, has great advantages. It feels good. There’s nothing wrong with liking it. But it doesn’t make us worth anymore. The lack of it doesn’t make us worth any less.

The underlying fallacy is that Self-worth = Love/Approval. Sheer nonsense. Society would like us to believe that because it makes us much easier to manipulate. The classic line, ‘if you loved, you would …”, has no power if you don’t buy into this idiocy.

So practice accepting yourself unconditionally. Allow yourself to enjoy love and approval when it comes your way. Just don’t make the determining factor in how you feel about yourself.

Now, if you love me and like this blog, send me $1,000,000.00 in small, used, unmarked bills.

As always, comments, questions and inane remarks are welcome.

Leslie Basden has her own fine blog here: http://www.open.salon.com/blog/leslieca

I have practiced Tai Chi on and off for many years, about 30 at this point. Never before have I accomplished this level of consistent practice.

Now, what does this grand achievement have to do Self Acceptance, Perfectionism, or anything else REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy) related? Well, it has pretty much everything to do with it.

First a little history:

I became interested in martial arts as a child. I mentioned in my first blog that I have a disability, short arms and deformed hands. In addition to requiring a lot of painful and frightening surgery, I was an easy target for bullies. Fortunately bullying back then was not as bad as it is today. Anyway, I had major feelings of helplessness and vulnerability. Learning to fight seemed like a good idea and it was.

I first learned some Savate, French foot fighting. That was an excellent choice given my hands. I went on to study karate, Uechi Ryu, long before it was popular. I never was able to develop the daily practice needed to truly excel.

In my 20s I started studying Yang Tiger Style Tai Chi. Again, I practiced, but not as consistently as I ‘should’ have. But, I did pretty well.

In April of 2008, I started studying Yang Snake Style Tai Chi (a.k.a. Ip Family Style). I decided to go about this differently.

Now, a few key REBT ideas:

USA (Unconditional Self Acceptance): Part of my motivation for martial arts was to overcome feelings of helplessness and inferiority because of my handicap. That’s not a bad reason. It worked well for that, to an extent. It did nothing to increase my self-acceptance as I am. It inadvertently fed into conditional self-acceptance. That was, I’m only as good as my ability to fight and defend myself. That was the trap. Even with the perfect body I didn’t have, there would always be someone stronger, faster, just plain better than me. The underlying realization that no matter how good I got, I would never be a great warrior. I would never be ‘Jonathan the Invincible’.

Perfectionism: Perfectionism is related to conditional self-acceptance. Basically, it means that a person’s worth is dependent on how well they do something and what they achieve.

Self-worth = Competency and/or Achievement. The better you are at something, the more you achieve, the better ‘you’ are. If you don’t get all As and win first place, you’re a worthless ****!

Yes, I stupidly judged myself on my martial abilities.

HFT (High Frustration Tolerance): Martial arts, like many other worthwhile endeavors, require practice. Not just a little practice, they require a lot of practice. That, in turn requires putting up a high degree of frustration.

My earlier teachers were of the more is better school of thought. If 100 kicks were good, 1000 were better and 2000 were even better than that. If 1 Tai Chi set was good, 10 were better.

So I would set impossible practice goals for myself. Then I would damn myself for not achieving them every ******* day without fail. This led to my giving up for awhile. Then I would repeat the pattern. Thus, I never attained real practice consistency.

VACI (Vital Absorbing Creative Interest): This is a key concept to living a reasonably happy, meaningful life. Essentially it is any activity that a person enjoys. They find it inherently worthwhile to do even in the absence of external rewards. External rewards are fine, they just can’t be the sole reason for doing it. The activity involves the person’s sense of creativity. It, on some level takes them outside themselves. VACIs are challenging. They aren’t always fun all the time. But they are always worth doing.

Tai Chi is one of my VACIs. Writing blog entries is rapidly becoming another.

What does all this have to do with 1000 days of Tai Chi?

When I started studying Ip Family Style I decided to make consistent, daily practice my number 1 priority. I knew I had some irrational beliefs that would sabotage that if I didn’t get rid of them.

The first nutty idea to go was ‘more is better’. No, more was not necessarily better. More was a ‘not good enough’ trap. Why the **** isn’t doing 1 and only 1 set per day acceptable? There is no law of the universe that says I have to do even 1 set/day, let alone 10. So I made a rule that I would do 1 set a day and give myself credit for only that set. If I did more, great. But I only got credit for and recorded 1. That way I wasn’t constantly raising the bar to impossible levels. 1 set per day was a realistic goal.

My second piece of insanity to go was my conditional self-acceptance and perfectionism. I accepted myself as a vulnerable, quite vincible human being. My Tai Chi may never be of Great Grand Master quality. I may never be a mighty warrior. I may not even be all that good at Tai Chi. So ******* what? I can enjoy doing Tai Chi. I can learn more Tai Chi. I can definitely improve my Tai Chi. I accepted the fact that my Tai Chi was TERRIBLE and my new goal was to improve it to terrible! I was certainly never going to do it perfectly.

So I started out with the following beliefs in place.

1. 1 set/day is enough. It is something I can do every day no matter where I am.
2. My self-acceptance is not dependent on my Tai Chi or my martial ability.
3. I do not have to do it perfectly. I just have to do it. Technically, I don’t even have to do it. But I choose to. TERRIBLE isn’t bad. TERRIBle is good. TERRible is even better.
4. I accept that I’m most likely better at Tai Chi than I think I am while not as good as I’d like to be.

At first, I would practice 6 out of 7 days. Even this was good consistency. Then, I really got into the habit of daily practice. I made 305 days in row. On 3/11/09 I had major surgery on my cervical spine. I had to take 4 days off. As soon as I could stand, I started practicing Tai Chi again, gently. Since then I haven’t missed a day. Today was 1008 days in a row.

I have had days where I basically just went through the motions for sake of doing it. I have had days when I was really into the flow of it. I have done it well on some days and poorly on others. I have put it off until 11;30 at night on at least 2 occasions. I have done Tai Chi at 34,000 ft. in the galley of a 747. I have done it in airports and train stations. Those were great shame attacks as I had to overcome feeling self-conscious.

I give Albert Ellis credit for teaching REBT. I give Rick Losasso credit for teaching me Ip Tai Chi. I give myself credit for putting it all together for 1008 days in row!

As always, comments, questions and inane remarks are welcome.

Over the years, I have found out that there is some truth to that particular saying. So, I decided to look at the saying itself. I thought I would analyze it to determine if it is rational or irrational.

For my purposes, I define rational thinking as:

1. Thinking that is based in reality. There is objective evidence for it. It expresses preferences, not demands.
2. Thinking that results in desirable, healthy emotions or helps me manage undesirable, unhealthy ones.
3. Thinking that helps me achieve my short and long term goals and helps avoid unnecessary trouble, pain, etc.
4. Thinking that helps my social relationships rather than hinder them or cause unneeded trouble and conflict.

Having an attitude of gratitude is about choosing what to focus on and pay attention to. A great many people, myself included, are tremendously talented at focusing on the negative. We are amazingly good at paying attention to, concentrating on, and ruminating about what we don’t have and what is wrong in our lives. We practice it daily until it becomes automatic and habitual. We get so ****ing good at it that we can spot the half-empty glass that is our life from a mile away. We usually discount anything good as a fluke of a fickle universe. This thinking style results in chronic dissatisfaction at best. At worst, it leads to depression, anxiety and and anger problems.

So, I’m writing this for those of us who see the glass as half-empty, cracked and leaking.

1. Is there any objective evidence for the benefits of gratitude?

Much to my surprise, the answer is yes. There have been a few studied that have shown that people who write a list of 5 things they’re grateful for each day are happier. Not only do they score higher on measures of general happiness and life satisfaction, they score much higher. What I thought was a mindless platitude is in fact true. There is evidence for it.

In keeping with the idea that rational thinking is reality based, then recognizing that some things in life a in fact positive and desirable is rational. Focusing on those positives balances the negatives. Such a balance is more realistic than unbridled pessimism or optimism.

2. Does thinking this way result in desirable, healthy emotions or helps me manage undesirable, unhealthy ones?

This calls for a pragmatic question. That is, do I like the emotions I get from this thinking? Do I like the emotions I get when I over-focus on the negative? Are these emotions healthy and desirable? Well? **** no! And **** no! I’m not a huge fan feeling depressed, anxious, and angry. Furthermore, these emotions have long term negative health effects.

3. Does thinking this way help me achieve my short and long term goals and helps avoid unnecessary trouble, pain, etc?

If my long and short term goals include feelings of satisfaction and contentment, then it makes a lot of sense to focus at least some of the time on what I’m grateful for. At the same time, if I want to avoid unnecessary trouble and pain, it again makes sense to pay attention to and appreciate what is going well in my life. Concentrating exclusively on the **** leads to depression, anxiety, and anger. Each of those emotions tend to interfere with healthy, creative, goal oriented behavior.

4. Does this thinking help my social relationships rather than hinder them or cause unneeded trouble and conflict.

Few people like exclusively negative, pessimistic people. In fact just today I was called a nattering nabob of negativity. Let’s face it, people who are depressed and anxious are not fun to be around. People who are angry much of the time are even less fun. So if having an attitude of gratitude can help overcome these unfortunate tendencies, it may improve social relations.

Writing this was not as easy as it looks. I’m coming to the conclusion that focusing on gratitude, life’s positives, or whatever you want to call it is rational. Far from being an ‘attitude of platitudes’ having an attitude of gratitude has some real advantages.

For someone like me, this is easier said than done. I have decades of practice at over-focusing on the negative. There is also a place for that kind of thinking. However, I think it pays off hugely to have a more balanced view of things.

There is no danger of me ever becoming a Pollyanna, life is ****ing wonderful, when life hands you lemons make lemonade kind of guy. But I do think it’s important for my own happiness and well-being to balance it with a little gratitude.

I shall now start. As this is a blog about the role of REBT in my life, I will express my gratitude for those people who were are part of that.

I am grateful to:

Albert Ellis. He was the founder of REBT as a form of therapy. He was also a friend.

Barbara Pyle. She was my therapist and coach for many years. She was also an REBTer

Emmett Velten. He was a friend, a colleague, a co-presenter at conferences, and a long time REBTer.

As always, questions, comments and inane remarks are welcome.

What is my G (Goal)?

I want to write a blog.

What is my A (Activating Event)?

I keep putting off doing the writing.

What are my Bs (Beliefs, a.k.a Bull-Stuff I tell myself about A)?

1. I must write perfectly and brilliantly or it’s a waste of time.
2. I should write things that are creative, insightful and original.
3. What I write has to add considerably to the sum of human knowledge and wisdom.
4. I must credit every source I draw from from, past present and future.
5. If I don’t do 1-4, I’m a miserable failure and worthless human being.
6. No one will read or like my blog and that would be awful.
7. I can’t stand the work/effort need to write a blog and I have nothing original to say anyway so it isn’t worth it.

What are my Cs (Consequences, Emotions & Behaviors resulting fro A times B)?

I feel anxious and self-downing about writing a blog.

Note: This can be written out A > B > C, which is how I like to do it. I can also be be done A > C > B. That is how people usually experience it. That is, A happens. They feel/do C. Then they go back and find the Bs..

How can I D (Dispute) this nonsense at B?

1. I must write perfectly and brilliantly or it’s a waste of time.

Why must I write perfectly and brilliantly? Is there any objective evidence or proof? How likely is it that I, or anyone, even can write perfectly and brilliantly? Does this belief help or hinder me in achieving my goal? Is this an unrealistically perfectionist belief?

2. I should write things that are creative, insightful and original.

Could this be more perfectionist nonsense? How likely is it that I have anything to say that is so creative, insightful and original that humankind can’t go on without it?

3. What I write has to add considerably to the sum of human knowledge and wisdom.

(I’m starting to see a theme here) Is this not just another variation on paralyzing perfectionism?

4. I must credit every source I draw from from, past present and future.

Who says I must? Where is it written? Is there some stone tablet upon which this is engraved as an eternal law of the universe?

5. If I don’t write: perfectly, brilliantly creatively, insight-fully, and add considerably to the sum of human knowledge and wisdom, I’m a miserable failure and worthless human being.

How does failing at this make me a failure? Does failing at anything make me a failure. Am I confusing the verb ‘to do’ with the verb ‘to be’?

6. No one will read or like my blog and that would be awful.

Why would it be awful if no one read or liked my blog? Would it be the absolute worst thing that that has ever happened in the history of the universe? Humankind? Me?

7. I can’t stand the work/effort need to write a blog and I have nothing original to say anyway so it isn’t worth it.

How true is that I can’t stand the effort? How likely is the effort required to write this is going to have fatal consequences for me? Even if I don’t have anything brilliantly original to say, does that mean this blog isn’t worth the effort?

Now I get to E (Effective new philosophy, emotions and behaviors).

Philosophy: My unrealistic, perfectionist demands that I write perfectly, brilliantly creatively, insight-fully, and add considerably to the sum of human knowledge and wisdom, are just that unrealistic. By equating myself worth with my writing, or anything else. I effectively stop myself from doing it. There is no proof at all that less than brilliant writing isn’t worth doing. I do, and enjoy doing, many things. I do all of them far less than perfectly.

Besides, so what if I have nothing new to say. That doesn’t seem to stop anyone else from writing and there is no reason it should stop me!

If I don’t write well, **** it! That doesn’t make me a failure. It makes me someone who doesn’t write well. I’m a damn fool if I make my performance at anything a measure of my worth. As Al said (I think) anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. I can only fail to DO things or fail to DO them well. I can’t possibly BE a failure and anymore than I can BE a kangaroo.

It wouldn’t be awful if no one reads or likes my blog. It wouldn’t even be awful if my blog ends up as a textbook example of how not to write!

My real goals are to spread REBT as a way of living and for me to demonstrate its practice in my own life. A good way to do that is blog. Eve if no one reads it, I still benefit from writing it. I enjoy writing it.

Emotions: I feel little or no self-downing about writing, whether it’s good, bad or indifferent.

Behavior: I wrote this and posted it. I didn’t die in the process, proving I can stand the effort!

Jonathan von Breton

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/75596

My name is Jonathan von Breton (JvB). I’m 58 and live with my dog (Canaan Dog) Russo. I’m sure I’ll mention her from time to time.I’d love to have more dogs, I was once up to 3. But, I don’t have the income.

Some interesting personal tidbits. I was born with deformed hands (not Thalidomide). So doing a lot of daily activities is a challenge. I use the good old hunt and peck method of typing.

I spend at least 30 minutes everyday practicing Ip Family Tai Chi (a.k.a. Yang Snake Style).

I work as a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and as a Licensed Chemical Dependency Professional. One of my proudest professional achievements is that I’m a Certified Supervisor in REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy).

I’m quite involved with SMART Recovery , an addiction self-help program based in part on REBT. I work as the Director of SMART Recovery On-Line, a part-time contractor position. As you can see, REBT permeates my life.

Unfortunately, because of the overall economy, I’m not making enough money to live. Foreclosure and bankruptcy are distinct possibilities if not certainties.

My main goal in this blog to introduce as many people as possible to REBT. I think of REBT as a powerful and comprehensive form of psychotherapy. But it’s more than that to me. I think of  it as my philosophy. I plan to share how I do this in many areas of my life. That is one of the reasons I mention my disability. REBT is remarkably useful there.Preventing emotional disturbance about financial problems is another area where I use REBT.

This blog will cover REBT theory and practice. In the spirit of narcissism, I will use examples from own life frequently. I plan to shamelessly promote my mental health practice as well.

That’s enough for now.

Jonathan